Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

A movie. I've watched it twice in 24 hours. I love Meg Ryan so it's not hard to watch one of her movies a couple of times. What drew me to this movie was it's description on the "INFO" tab. It said it was about a young writer who is taking care of his elderly grandmother.... Funny, when I watched the movie, it didn't seem to be about that at all.

This is one of those rare movies where I could see myself in all five of the major characters.

The guy. He's an aspiring writer who decides to take some time off to take care of his demented grandmother. (Olympia Dukakis) At one point Grandma answers the door with no pants on. The boy/man sternly says "Grandma, get with the program here. It's not OK for you to do anything that involves other people when you're not dressed. If you want to give the illusion that you're not completely demented, you will heed my advice on this, OK? Put some pants on!" (My co-workers have seen my mother naked.)

The Mom. (Meg Ryan) Her teenaged daughter thinks "she breaks her neck trying to make her life look like a crate and barrel store". The mom wants to connect with her teenaged daughter, but can't break through the contempt that the girl holds for her. The girl is mad at her mother because her father hasn't been faithful. The mom's 10 year old child is happy to let mom in. So the family has become dad/16 year old: Mom/10 year old. Mom's got interests, hopes, dreams, aspirations. People in the household don't always see it.

The teenager. She is so angry at her mother. Her mother is so LAME! She's mad at her dad too, but she's madder at her mom. And she can't be mad at everybody or who would take care of her? The teenager has interests, hopes, dreams, aspirations. People in the household don't always see it.

The 10 year old. She's the youngest in the family. But often, she's the voice of reason. She reads up on everything. If something scares her, she finds out everything she can about the thing. She breaks it up into small, digestible pieces and conquers it. The chips often fall on her. When The Mother got sick, the 10 year old stepped in. The dad and the sister didn't know quite what to do. So the 10 year old finds out about the illness and takes it on.

The Grandmother. While I see my own mother in this character, I can also see myself. Sometimes I just don't WANT to be responsible. I want to dress funny, wear funny hats, and sort of check out. This grandmother keeps telling her grandson that she's dying. But he doesn't believe her. And when she choses her time with dignity (like I hope to someday do) he's devastated by the loss. While I never want to inflict pain on my children, I do want them to feel an empty place when I'm gone. An empty place that isn't a huge relief.

I received a call from the nursing home administration on Friday. Mom had been telling everyone that we were going on a shopping trip today. The nursing home asked that I please remove some things from her room before I bring more in.

I didn't end up needing to take much stuff out. Mostly it was newspapers and food stuff. Not a difficult clean up at all. In the end, Mom was really too tired to shop. Good. I was too!

When I first arrived at the nursing home, I saw that Mom wasn't in the dining room again, so I headed straight for her room. She wasn't there. I went out to the nurses' station and found Charlie, her nurse. Can I just take a minute here and sing Charlie's praises??? He's the most wonderful nurse I've ever had the pleasure to work with. He's found a way to treat the residents like they're perfectly rational and normal, yet meet their needs-no matter how odd or eccentric.

I told Charlie that I was concerned because Mom had just been through a rather pronounced manic phase. He seemed to notice it too. I said, "I worry when Mom comes out of these manic phases. Money seems to trigger and sustain the mania. If she can shop and buy, she stays 'up.' When she stops acquiring, she really crashes into a depression." Charlie asked me a question that just sort of stopped me in my tracks....

"What does she want?" He asked. "What is it that she's trying to acquire?"

Wow. What a loaded question. Honestly, I don't think I know. So much of what I do know, is based upon an accumulation of negatives. Mom doesn't like chocolate ice cream, but she loves chocolate. Mom hates the smell of grape bubblegum, but loves grapes. She must have a clean bathroom, but there better not be any grit left behind in the tub. I never knew exactly how she wanted something done, just how she didn't want them done.

I finally found Mom--all by herself--in the activities room. She was parked in front of a big screen TV that was playing a Gaither's Gospel Music Reunion. (Hence the new background music!) Mom looked at me and began sobbing. "I've been in mourning (she's so dramatic) all weekend because I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!" She wailed. "Um. Mom? My birthday's nearly a month away!" She said, "Isn't today September 24th?" No. It's August 24th. "Oh." She said, and then stopped "mourning"--sort of.

Then, the fabulous Vestal Goodman began singing. I figured Mom would be ready to leave. She always hated hearing Vestal Goodman's "caterwauling". Mom would gripe and groan about how she shrieks and wails and who would want to listen to that??

Well, much to my surprise, mom lamented about how nobody knows how to sing good gospel music anymore. "Vestal was the best!" Apparently in Mom's new history, she really liked Vestal Goodman!

I sat with her while the good old groups sang one after another of the classics. The men in the crowd either looked like Elvis or Billy Ray Cyrus. Holy mullets batman. The women made me long for the 80's. I miss big hair and shoulder pads!

I asked Mom if she wanted to come guide me while I cleaned her room. I didn't want to just pitch stuff. (That is such a lie, I totally wanted to pitch stuff!) I offered her the opportunity to direct the disposition of her things. She let out a big sigh and said, "Nooooo... just do what you think is best... I just want to sit here and listen to the music." Her face was shiny with tears.

I fought back tears all the way to her room, praying no one would ask me what was wrong. That good old gospel music brought back a few my own memories.

I got Mom's room back in shape quickly. I went back to get Mom. She was hungry now. She had refused lunch earlier. So I went and got her Taco Bell. I left her with strict instructions to eat, warning her that delayed gratification is NO gratification. "This food won't keep. If you're not going to eat it now, just throw it out. It'll be horrible later."

As I left, she asked me for money. Fortunately, I didn't bring my purse in with me. The very last thing Mom needs right now is money. I left her in her recliner. I hope she gets some rest and wakes up feeling happier.

I doubt it will happen though. I think she's heading for a real doozie. Time will tell.