Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

As my sisters and our seven accumulated husbands can attest, the worst thing you can call us is "Jan". (I think I'd rather be hit with a C bomb!)

I admit it. My mother and I have similar personalities and quirks. I'd like to believe that I keep mine in check, but my husband might disagree. Mom fixates and so do I. My latest fixation is new silverware and pots and pans. Moms? Her damn CHRISTMAS TREE!!

Lord help me. The Activities Director called me nearly in tears today because Mom was ragging her ass for her Christmas tree. Hello? A) It's December 26, give it up. and B) Her room already looks like Christmas exploded in there. Her room mate's sons decorated the whole place. They'd have decorated the old ladies if they'd sit still long enough. Even the BATHROOM is decorated. How festive. Red hazardous waste cans with green ribbons. Fa La La La La La La La La....

Even their TV's have garland and bows. I keep asking Mom, "Where would you put the TREE?" On top of that pile of men's underwear that I swear I'm going to take HOME with me to throw away! (I've thrown them away TWICE now, only to have Mom figure out where I threw them and fish them back into her room!)

So the Activities Director calls to tell me "Your mom says we've stored her winter clothes and her Christmas tree." OK, yes, they lost her Christmas tree. It's a tiny little pre-decorated thing that was falling apart when I took it down last year. And her winter clothes? She demanded that I get rid of them, they're rags. Now they're her favorite things and she misses them terribly. Great.

So I waited until I was alone to call Mom and remind her that there are no clothes for her in storage and that it's too late for her tree. "But it's MINE and I WANT IT!" *sigh*

She's off her Zoloft. Boy can I tell. Her emotions are very friable. The slightest thing reduces her to tears. A pretty Christmas tree makes her cry. The gift I got her for Christmas... I expected it to make her cry, it was a side-by-side picture of my son and my dad. It's very moving how much they look alike. But Mom literally shrieked and bawled and cried. I began to think I'd done the wrong thing. (But the mere mention that maybe I should have gotten something else shut the faucette off immediately--so I know she can control it.)

As I'm on the phone with Mom tonight, she begins rattling off a litany of injustices being perpetrated upon her. Some of them are absolutely reasonable. However, Mom doesn't pick her battles wisely. She pitches the same fit over a fire in her room as she does a lost Christmas tree after Christmas is all over. Her intensity never waivers, it's always high gear, high pitch, and high volume-- no matter the issue. Quite frankly, it's exhausting. It's only human nature for the staff to give up on trying to please her. I'm her daughter and I'd love to give up!!!

She's cried "wolf" too many times.

My dilemma with her Zoloft is, she's telling me she's feeling more clear-headed than she has in years. But she's also a trembling bowl of jello! I called the nursing supervisor to start the process to get Mom back on the meds. Mom's other major (and justifiable) complaint is they canceled her order for artificial tears along with the order for Zoloft. The tears we can fix tonight. My mom is very child-like and easily distracted. If she feels she's won the "tears" battle tonight, she'll probably calm down for a day or two. Hope. Hope. Hope.

Why did the orders get cancelled? It seems there's some Medicare law that states when a nursing home patient gets admitted to a hospital, they get discharged from the nursing home. Apparently they can't legally be admitted to both facilities at the same time. What I don't understand, is why can't they reinstate the original doctor's orders when she returns to the nursing home? I guess it all depends on why they were in the hospital.

A friend once told me "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and each time, expecting a different result." So who's crazy? Mom, for her constant fixations? Or ME for thinking I can talk her down, for thinking if I just explain it right, talk a little more slowly, or yell or SOMETHING... then Mom will understand and remember that the clothes she's missing are the ones she hated. Or she'll remember that the Christmas tree she loves so much is falling apart and has been for years. (She declares she just bought it last Christmas.)

Dr. Phil says we fight about topics, not issues. Mom's topics du jour are old discarded clothes, a broken Christmas tree, and artificial tears. The issue? It's always the same. The core need or desire for my mother is to have you drop everything and do her bidding. Unfortunately, when you've jumped through all the hoops, she doesn't want it anymore. You arrive with the prize on a silver platter and she hands you a different list of "needs", ignoring the platter.

For the most part, I've stopped jumping through the hoops. That frustrates Mom to no end, and unfortunately, she takes it out on the staff. Honestly, I'm not trying to frustrate my mom. I'm trying to preserve my own sanity. I can't walk away from her physically. I do my best to keep her safe. The demands are becoming too demanding.

When Mom was rushed to the Emergency Room with chest pain two weeks ago, I said to my husband, "I don't think I know how to live without my mother." That is not to say "I can't live without my mother." I mean, for the past 20 years my mom has been the central focus of my life. Every decision I've made has been weighted with its affect on Mom and her well-being and happiness. That's not nobility on my part. It's a tragic mistake for there is no sense of well-being or happiness for my mom. I've watched her reach moments of contentment, only to put forth an effort to find fault or offense. My mistake has been in thinking I can fix that. It's a mistake for which my children have paid dearly. A mistake that I don't know how to rectify....

It is actually against nursing home regulations for a staff member to receive any kind of gratuity from a patient or a patient's family. A nursing home can be fined heavily if such activity is discovered. Most nursing homes terminate employees for accepting gifts of any kind from the patients or their families.

Mom called me from the hospital today and asked that I go buy something very nice for the activities directer and mom's favorite nurse. Once again I explained to Mom that this was against the rules. "I don't care about the rules. I want them to have a gift from me to show how much I care!" I explained to her that they will lose their jobs if they accept gifts from us.

It is such a difficult position in which to be. Part of my job at the nursing home was to navigate the financial waters for the residents and their families. Of course they were appreciative. They were often hurt when I had to refuse their gifts.

What can you do? You can do something that the entire staff can enjoy. Send pizzas. Bake cookies. Give each nurse's station one of those giant boxes of chocolates. My husband's grocery store sells those huge tins of flavored popcorn for under $10 a can. Those are always a hit.

Just don't put an individual in the awkward position of choosing their jobs over your feelings.

I suggested to my mother today that she write her gratitude in a card. We'll see what she does.