Shout out! Hey Poconos!!!

I wanted to say "hey" to the Anthem Guy who is always so helpful and makes my job look SO easy!!!!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

A River in Egypt

Today is Sunday. I've decided to take my mom out of the nursing home on Sundays. We're going to cook her favorites. Today we cooked Chicken Paprikash. It's a family tradition. A classic really. Mom loved it.

Mom goes through emotional cycles. She's settled in to the fact that I don't work there any more. But she seems to have a need to keep herself stirred up. This afternoon I listened to her as she just whipped herself into a real dither. Actually she went from dither to dither. I'd dispel one set of fears, and she'd conjure up another.

The hardest thing for me is to just listen. I keep trying to set the record straight. I keep trying to "once and for all" declare what is true, what did happen, what didn't happen. It's a waste of energy, Mom's truth is like a chameleon, ever changing, ever evolving, ever conforming to whatever image she wants to project today.

When given a choice, Mom will choose the most painful of conclusions. It's as though peace and tranquility are her sworn enemies. Mom said that the hardest part of her existence is the fact that she can't dream anymore. "There's nothing I can accomplish. I don't have the funds, the energy or the ability to accomplish anything anymore." That's a sad place to be. But the truth is, that's how it has always been.

Mom's an idea person. She has GREAT ideas, grandiose plans, intricate possibilities. However, most of the time, her ideas are implemented by someone else. I can't tell you how many dinner parties and events that would have gone unaccomplished if my dad, my siblings or myself had not stepped in to finish what Mom had started.

A few months ago Mom read about an organization that was sending "Cookies to the Troops." She jumped on that big time. She came to me and said, "I want.... and I'll need... and I want you to...." I stopped her and said, "Absolutely not. I want no part of this, you'll have to do this through the activities director." Everyone thought I was a big meanie for not jumping on the Cookies for the Troops bandwagon.

I'm tired of the bandwagons. I've got my own goals and responsibilities. As it turns out, the Cookies for the Troops was a disaster. Mom wasn't physically able to bake the cookies. None of the residents are, really. So the poor activities director was left to bake, wrap and ship the cookies on her own. Mom declared it a big failure and proceeded to beat herself up for it.

I wish my mom could accept her limitations. I wish she could enjoy life and stop creating situations that will end up causing her disappointment. I wish she would choose assumptions that would bring her peace. Today she said, "Now that you're not working at the nursing home, do you think they'll start neglecting me?" Mom, you thought they were neglecting you when I worked there!!!! Ah well. I can't let myself get sucked into the vortex of need and denial.

At the end of the day, I'm exhausted. She's probably exhausted too.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Settling in

The first few days after I quit my job at the nursing home were traumatic for Mom. She got it into her head that I wouldn't be around for four weeks. I'm not sure where she got that. On Sunday I found her in bed at 11 in the morning. She was shocked to see me. She was sinking into a depression.

Each resident has a write on/wipe off board. I wrote "Sunday, Wednesday and Friday" on her board. I circled it. Then I told her "You may see me on other days, but you can absolutely count on THESE days. And on Friday I will bring you and Roomie something for supper. "

Tonight was our first supper. I went in yesterday and asked them what they'd like. They both agreed on Kentucky Fried Chicken and cole slaw. They were thrilled to have something different. We chatted for an hour or so then I left.

Mom's roomie told me that it helps a lot for Mom to be able to see on the board exactly when I'll be in. The other visits are a pleasant surprise.

In truth, Mom's seeing me a LOT more than she did when I worked there. I always hesitated to go down to Mom's room during working hours because it was almost impossible to just pop in and say "hi". Mom always had a reason for me to stay. I'd almost have to be rude in order to get back to work. Then by the time the day was over, I just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want to spend any more time in the building than I had to.

Mom's short term memory is getting worse. I've been to see her five times in the last week. Each time I go she tells me that her room mate got a new doctor. She has also repeated several incidents as though this is news.

As for her long term memory, let's just say it's creative. Mom paints a picture of her life that is so far from reality as to be total fiction. But it makes her happy to "remember" things in a new light. What's the point in setting the record straight?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Hindsight is 20/20

Well, I quit my job yesterday. My administrator accepted my resignation, effective immediately. That's a little scary as I don't have a job in the wings, but it was the right thing to do.

After I resigned, I took Mom out to breakfast to break the news to her. It wasn't a shock, she's seen how I've been buckling under the pressure and even suggested that I get out. Mom did what she's done all my life. When the crisis comes, she's there 100%. She was strong and encouraging. I was overwhelmed by her understanding and support.

To my administrator's credit, she called a meeting between she, my mom and me. She assured my mom that there was no animosity between us and that Mom would continue to receive good care. I was grateful for the comfort Mom took in that conversation. Some of my former faith was restored in the admin. She'd really been disappointing me from an employee's perspective. However, I have never doubted her dedication to the residents in our building.

In hind sight, I have not done well by my mom in this situation. It seemed like such a good idea to work where she lives, but the conflict of interest is overwhelming. I didn't realize how torn I'd been about things. And much to my personal shame, I haven't always taken my mom's side when a conflict arose.

It feels so good to be able to just be my mom's advocate, like I've been for years, with no other priority. I thought that I was giving my mom 100%, but I wasn't. I was faced with a choice nearly every day. Advocate for my mom, serve my employer.

I'm scared to death to be without a job and without any sure-thing prospects, but I feel very positive. I resigned yesterday. I slept all night last night. I got the kids off to school then went back to bed and slept for three hours. I haven't slept well since Mom and I arrived at the nursing home. I guess I'm making up for lost time!

My nursing home was the worst place to work that you can imagine. But for Mom, it's an excellent place for her to live. I asked her at breakfast if she wanted to move. She said, "No. I really don't. I complain. It's not perfect, but I have good friends here and I'm happy." Could I really ask for anything more?

Friday, January 4, 2008

Happy New Year, gang. WHAT a hectic holiday. This year I opted NOT to try to bring Mom up for Christmas Eve dinner. Mike usually has to close his grocery store on Christmas Eve. That usually has him arriving home at around 7:30pm (If we're lucky). Mom's usually long past dinner by then.

Last year we tried to bring Mom up. Getting her into the house was a challenge, getting her back out was nearly fatal! She was so tired that I literally had to have her lean all of her weight on my back while I walked us both down a treacherous flight of concrete steps. I hurt for days after. We were both terrified and in the end, it just wasn't worth it.

This year we had her up the Sunday before Christmas for a bake-fest. I had to work Christmas Eve too, so I got to see her. Then late Christmas morning we took her gifts over then took her to Mike's mom's for dinner. It was perfect, nobody got too tired.

Mom really raked it in this year! Her roommate got her the scrap books she's been bugging for. I predict they will remain unused. Last year Mom had a FIT for Christmas cards and stamps. She started nagging me for them in November. She asked the aides to get them for her, she asked her Social Worker to get them for her.... Anybody who knows my mother knows that she doesn't send out Christmas cards. (She buys them and keeps them until she moves and throws them away.) Sure enough.... about February, not only did I find the cards, I found the three books of stamps that she insisted that she must have. Funny, she didn't bug me for cards this year!

I digress....

We got mom two horrible flannel nightgowns that she loves, a pantsuit, some books, bath and shower stuff and a pair of red shoes. My sister (the one who ALWAYS sends packages) made her the most gorgeous fleece jacket with sequins, ribbons and pearls. She's so creative! She sent a whole box of treasures. Mom was happy.

Happy. For about five damn minutes! LOL. Each morning in the Department Heads' Stand Up Meeting, we discuss any grievances that had been filed by residents or family on the previous day. Mom's been filing a lot of them. It's attention grabbing stuff. Like after a whole year, she's decided that the hand rail in her bathroom isn't right. She complains that they don't answer the call bell fast enough. (One day *I* answered her call bell. She couldn't remember what she wanted. She does that a lot, so the aids don't go running down the hall whenever her light comes on. Classic "boy who cried wolf" I'm afraid.)

Today's grievance from Mom was especially festive. She's insisting that they drop her off at the grocery store. She had a whole list of things she "needs". (Oh and she's asking for a refrigerator again!) Now remember, my husband is at a grocery store every day. So she goes to someone else with her list. Grrrrrr!

If hearing my Mom's daily grievance isn't embarrassing enough, today she comes bopping down the hall in her wheelchair, in her pajamas, and crashes the Department Heads' Meeting. She "needs Nansi". They let her in and she hands me the plate I had put dry cookies on. (And told her to just throw away when she was done.) Except the plate is caked with some weird goo and encrusted with straw paper and debris. "Thanks Mom! Just what I wanted, a filthy plate!"

She looks around the room and announces, "Nansi has always taken care of my dirty dishes, and she will til the day she dies." (My mother fully expects to outlive us all.) Thanks again, Mom.

That is one of the hard things about our situation. I try to be an effective, well dressed, and articulate professional. But my naked mother with crusty dishes won't allow it. At least once a week she stands in the front lobby and just SHRIEKS my name. When I come running, she smiles and says, "I knew that would get you." She's been known to ask my boss to talk to me about the color I'm wearing, "Can't you get her to see that the color she's wearing just isn't flattering at all???" Again.... Thanks MOM!

It's funny, for the past few weeks I've had an "after the holidays are over" sort of mentality. They're over. Now what? Do I log in another year at the most stressful job I've ever had? Do I strike out and find a career that won't drive me off the bridge?

The question always begs, what will happen to my mother if I don't work there? I think I know what will happen to me if I stay.

 

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