Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

Mom's on another down cycle. She's anxious, forgetful, tearful and fretful.

On Friday she called me at work at 3:00 to tell me what she and roomie wanted for supper. We tend to rotate between KFC, Taco Bell and the little diner near where I work. Friday she wanted Taco Bell.

I got off work at 4:00 and was at the nursing home, Tacos in hand, by 4:45. I was surprised to find Mom in the dining room, eating dinner! You're not allowed to eat outside food in the public dining area, so I walked up to Mom and said, "Did you change your mind about Taco Bell?" She looked at me like I was insane. She insisted that she hadn't called me. Then burst into tears.

After I took her food back to her room to eat later, I went back to the dining room to sit a spell. She was very agitated about her money. It's a dilemma for me. If I give her money to her directly, she loses it. If I put it in the facility's bank account she can't get at it whenever she wants. Or she takes it out, forgets she's done it, and throws a fit in the business office, accusing them of stealing from her.

I said, "Mom, I come here three times a week. All you have to do is say something and I'll get you some cash." Her response is "I don't want to be a burden." Like pitching a fit in the business office isn't a burden!!!!

When I went to see her on Sunday, she was still in her pajamas --in bed-- at noon. I asked if she wanted to go out with the kids and I to dinner. She said she did. An aide helped her get dressed and ready. She was still anxious and tearful.

When we got to the restaurant, she had a heck of a time getting from the car to the table. She was clammy and pale. She said she wasn't hungry and didn't want anything. I talked her into getting her favorite thing, if only to take it back to the nursing home for later. When her food arrived, she dug in. With each bite, she got better. I think she was having a dip in her sugar levels.

The odd thing about mom's anxiety and tearfulness is, it can be turned off like a switch. She cried and shook and whined the whole way from the nursing home to the house. When I pulled in to the driveway I said, "Gee, Mom, I don't know if it's such a good idea to take the kids along. They won't know how to handle themselves when you're crying like this!" She sucked it up instantly and was cheerful as can be for the rest of the day. Too bad they can't put that in a pill!

Mom's ability to retain short term memories deteriorates daily. She has a crystal-clear recollection of past experiences, but sometimes she confuses the order of things. She thinks she was still driving up until the time she entered the nursing home, but in reality, she had a car accident when I was pregnant with my son, who is now ten, and hasn't driven since.

Mom and I talked about her limitations yesterday. She said, "Can I go anywhere I want?" In theory, yes. In reality, no. What she wants is to go shopping. She wants to fill up grocery bags. But she can't. First, she doesn't have any place to put groceries. Second, her ability to control her impulses is gone. At Christmastime Mom went on a shopping trip to Wal-Mart with the group from the nursing home. She took a LOT of money with her and brought back the strangest array of items. But she didn't buy any Christmas presents. On Christmas Eve she lamented that she didn't have presents for my kids. I said, "Mom, I thought you bought them when you went to Wal-Mart! Did you misplace them?" She showed me her receipt. It was an odd mish mosh of items from paper doilies to sparkling grape juice in glass bottles.

When I take a step back, I see that today isn't a whole lot different from six months ago. We're at the bottom of a cycle that just repeats itself. Our life ebbs and flows, and the beat goes on.