Shout out! Hey Poconos!!!
I wanted to say "hey" to the Anthem Guy who is always so helpful and makes my job look SO easy!!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
My mom called me this morning. Her room mate died in the wee hours this morning.
Mom's spent many nights lately holding Frances' hand because she was afraid to fall asleep. Clinically, it's a miracle that Frances lived as long as she did. They sent her to the nursing home a year ago expecting that she'd die in a few days. She had leukemia.
I'm so glad Mom met and lived with Frances. Frances was a real lady. She wasn't worldly wise or well traveled. She had a unique ability to perceive the other side of the story. While Mom is quick to take offense, Frances was quick to assume otherwise. She showed Mom that everyone isn't bad or evil, that sometimes people who aren't feeling well do thoughtless things without malice of forethought.
Frances TRIED to get Mom organized. I could have told her that was a pointless occupation, but the two of them seemed content in their roles.
This is my only real nursing home experience. What are they supposed to do when it's obvious that one room occupant is very near death and the other isn't?
I don't know what's supposed to happen, but what DID happen is this: My mom was witness to a death vigil. She was an outsider forced into the intimacy of sons being with their mother as she passed. She spent many hours alone in a room with her friend's body.
I had decided that I wasn't going to be able to handle Mom today, opting for a quick lunch visit on Monday rather than a long Sunday visit.
Mom called around 9:30 this morning, obviously shaken and sad. She reported that she was so tired, but couldn't settle herself down to sleep. I convinced Mom to go lie down and promised that I'd get her help. The nursing supervisor said they thought they could administer a sedative. I'll be going this afternoon to see how she's faring.
I'm very upset with the nursing home. I realize that there are privacy issues and they probably can't say "Hey, your mom's room mate is dying." But wasn't there something that they could have done??? What is the protocol? Surely there is a protocol--I mean, isn't death a pretty normal occurrence in such a place?
What would have been my perfect solution? I would like to have been able to get my mom out of that room for the night. Why can't they take the surviving room mate to a quieter place? Knowing my mother, I'm sure she interjected herself into the situation. Wouldn't Frances' family have been more comfortable to have the room to themselves? Why didn't I get the news first thing this morning from the nursing home? Why did they leave it up to my Mom to tell me she needed help?
I am getting more and more fed up with the nursing home. Two weeks ago I learned that they had suddenly canceled all of my mom's pain meds. She's got bilateral knee replacements, a hip replacement and a shunt in her brain. Mom deals with pain at some level all the time. Especially headaches because of the shunt. She's been on prescription pain meds for at least five years. They did not wean her off, or even discuss the orders with her or with me. When the nurse told me, I hit the roof. I was really going to read her doctor the riot act. He knew nothing of the order change and shared my outrage. The medical record was falsified, saying that I had been notified. I was not. I learned first from my mother with clarification from the nurse on duty upon questioning.
I'd like to move Mom. The things that hold me back are first and foremost her financial situation. Mom's penniless and not the kind of patient that a nursing home vies for. They want well-funded patients. Secondly, she's happy where she is. At least as happy as a person in a nursing home can be. She's got friends. She's very involved in the activities. Would it be difficult for her to adjust to completely new surroundings?
It's not an easy time.
I'm so glad Mom met and lived with Frances. Frances was a real lady. She wasn't worldly wise or well traveled. She had a unique ability to perceive the other side of the story. While Mom is quick to take offense, Frances was quick to assume otherwise. She showed Mom that everyone isn't bad or evil, that sometimes people who aren't feeling well do thoughtless things without malice of forethought.
Frances TRIED to get Mom organized. I could have told her that was a pointless occupation, but the two of them seemed content in their roles.
This is my only real nursing home experience. What are they supposed to do when it's obvious that one room occupant is very near death and the other isn't?
I don't know what's supposed to happen, but what DID happen is this: My mom was witness to a death vigil. She was an outsider forced into the intimacy of sons being with their mother as she passed. She spent many hours alone in a room with her friend's body.
I had decided that I wasn't going to be able to handle Mom today, opting for a quick lunch visit on Monday rather than a long Sunday visit.
Mom called around 9:30 this morning, obviously shaken and sad. She reported that she was so tired, but couldn't settle herself down to sleep. I convinced Mom to go lie down and promised that I'd get her help. The nursing supervisor said they thought they could administer a sedative. I'll be going this afternoon to see how she's faring.
I'm very upset with the nursing home. I realize that there are privacy issues and they probably can't say "Hey, your mom's room mate is dying." But wasn't there something that they could have done??? What is the protocol? Surely there is a protocol--I mean, isn't death a pretty normal occurrence in such a place?
What would have been my perfect solution? I would like to have been able to get my mom out of that room for the night. Why can't they take the surviving room mate to a quieter place? Knowing my mother, I'm sure she interjected herself into the situation. Wouldn't Frances' family have been more comfortable to have the room to themselves? Why didn't I get the news first thing this morning from the nursing home? Why did they leave it up to my Mom to tell me she needed help?
I am getting more and more fed up with the nursing home. Two weeks ago I learned that they had suddenly canceled all of my mom's pain meds. She's got bilateral knee replacements, a hip replacement and a shunt in her brain. Mom deals with pain at some level all the time. Especially headaches because of the shunt. She's been on prescription pain meds for at least five years. They did not wean her off, or even discuss the orders with her or with me. When the nurse told me, I hit the roof. I was really going to read her doctor the riot act. He knew nothing of the order change and shared my outrage. The medical record was falsified, saying that I had been notified. I was not. I learned first from my mother with clarification from the nurse on duty upon questioning.
I'd like to move Mom. The things that hold me back are first and foremost her financial situation. Mom's penniless and not the kind of patient that a nursing home vies for. They want well-funded patients. Secondly, she's happy where she is. At least as happy as a person in a nursing home can be. She's got friends. She's very involved in the activities. Would it be difficult for her to adjust to completely new surroundings?
It's not an easy time.
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3 comments:
Nansi, I'm so sorry. I know you liked your mom's roommate. And finding out like that. Your poor mother is going to be dealing with this for awhile...
I've been checking this blog and this is the first time I read the March 11 post. It cleared up some questions I have had for a while. Nothing that needed to be asked, just things that I wondered about. You made a promise to your father. That said it all.
I'm glad Frances had her loved ones around her. I am sorry your mom's friend is gone.
I'm sorry your mom had to be there with her as she died and even more concerned she had to be there with her body.
I agree, they should have called you. However, it is clear to you how this place operates. I know from having friends and relatives in hospitals and rehabs that registering complaints is tricky. There are many potential ramifications and some of them are not good.
Would a new place be handled much differently given the options open to you for your mother's placement? I don't know the answer to this. You will since you have the experience with the situation.
You know the things that would truly make taking her out of there necessary. Maybe those would be your defining terms for this decision.
I'm here.
Nancy, I'm sorry to hear about your mom's roommate. From what you have written, it seems she was a great comfort and company to your mom, and thus, made your life a little easier. I'm also sorry that you are so unhappy with the nursing home. Just wanted you to know that I am still reading and still thinking about you.
Megan
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