Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

A week or so ago I took my Mom to the doctor. We had a lot of time to sit and wait... and talk. It was a good talk, one of her more lucid hours. She talked about her past, how she was raised, and that she knows how hard it is on me to be doing this with her.

I told my mother that I feel like I have to pave the way for her in the medical community. I don't want them to see her as a lump. I want them to know what I know, that she's a person worth getting to know. Mom and I sat tearfully holding hands.

It's funny, I hug and kiss a lot of the residents in our building. But not my mom. We just didn't have a relationship that included physical affection. It's hard for me to touch my mother. It doesn't feel right.

So why is it so easy to give my affection to virtual strangers?

Today I was approached by several members of the Activities Department. They said my mother had stolen a pair of scissors. Great. Mom's stealing again.

The hardest thing for me is to see Mom as just one of the crowd. If I'd heard that Geraldine or Tom had stolen a pair of scissors, it wouldn't have phased me. I certainly wouldn't have thought, "Their children must be WORTHLESS!!!" So why do I feel so worthless when my mother steals or lies?

When Mom pulls another of her antics, I feel compelled to work twice as hard at my job. I certainly don't want my boss to think *I* am capable of such things. Something to work on, I suppose.

The saddest part of Mom's behaviors is, they're not new. I wish I could say, "Well, if she weren't a stroke victim, things would be different." But the truth is, my mom stole. My mom lied. My mom cheated, all when I was a young girl.

Mom called me in tears a few minutes ago. She desperately needed help, and no one would help her. I called the nursing home, spoke with the charge nurse-whom I trust- and was assured that Mom's aid was with her as we spoke.

Mom and I go through cycles. We spend good time together, she becomes very clingy and needy. No matter how much I do, she wants more. She'll escalate in the next few days. It will culminate in her standing in the administration offices shrieking my name. (Please God, don't let her be naked this time.)

So, here we go...chink...chink...chink.... up the track. Before long, we'll go careening down the track, hoping we don't fly off the ride.