Shout out! Hey Poconos!!!
I wanted to say "hey" to the Anthem Guy who is always so helpful and makes my job look SO easy!!!!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The entire purpose of this blog is to offer my experiences in hopes that someone may benefit. I recently joined a yahoo group consisting of people who are caring for elderly parents. It's a huge list. One of them is moving her father in with her. I offered her this advice today, and I offer it to you....
1) Set boundaries. Talk now about what you expect on such things as "knocking before entering", or meal times. Will he eat each meal with you? Will he prepare his own meals? Does he have a time of day when he wants absolute privacy? Do you want no visitors on Sunday until after noon? Think about what makes your life your own and do your best to preserve that. The same goes for him.
2) Establish financial responsibilities. Your heart may say "stay here for nothing, dad." But realistically, it's going to cost you to put a roof over his head. He'll want to contribute. Let him. Even if you secretly squirrel it away for his later needs. You will allow him to feel independent and still in control of his life. Soon enough you will be his caretaker.
3) Discuss vehicle arrangements. If he's still capable of driving and will be coming with his own vehicle, great. You might want to see if you can add him to a family plan on your car insurance. That could save you both money. If he's capable of driving and not coming with a vehicle, work out a schedule. Allow him to be as mobile and independent as possible for as long as possible. Also decide who parks where. My mom was forever parking right by the front door to carry her purse in, while I had to park at the end of the driveway or on the street and then lug in groceries and the baby.
4) Make parenting issues clear. If/when you have children, make the house rules clear to your dad. Grandparents spoil their grandkids enough when they visit, when they live there they can wreak havoc on the house rules. My five year old changed dramatically when Mom moved in. I didn't step in, and it was a big mistake. All of us suffered.
5) Power of Attorney - drawing up a power of attorney does not mean you have control of him now. It does, however, put helpful mechanisms in place for when the day comes that you have to take over the legalities of his life. I work in a nursing home, it is exceedingly difficult to help families who have not taken this step and are left to deal with an elderly, incapable parent. Guardianship is their only answer. It is a difficult and expensive process that could have been completely avoided had they just drawn up a power of attorney while everyone was still of sound mind.
6) Living will - Let HIM decide how his life will go. It's heartbreaking to see elderly people hooked up to machines they never would have wanted. But without a living will, the medical community's hands are tied. Family members often aren't ready to let a parent go, when to be let go is all they really want--but didn't communicate that before the fact. (It cost me exactly $200 to have a POA and a Living Will drawn up for my mom. It wasn't two months before she had a pretty devastating stroke and I was saved a lot of headaches because we'd taken this step.--call an elder law attorney when the time is right.)
7) Last will and testament. My mom still has some possessions, mostly sentimental. Mom's not of a sound mind anymore. I cannot get her a will. It will be left up to me to decide who gets what and I really don't know what Mom's wishes are. I'm sure my mom didn't want me saddled with that burden too, but we didn't think that far ahead.
8) Long Term Care Insurance - Your dad might still be able to get long-term care insurance. Here's how nursing homes work-- and this is ground in stone. Medicare pays 100% of skilled nursing home for 20 days. After that, a daily co-payment is expected in the amount of $125 (depending upon the area) for the next 80 days. Then it's over. There's no more coverage. That 100 days is dependent upon the patient's condition. As long as they are getting therapies and are improving, Medicare pays. But if their condition deteriorates or stagnates, their nursing home need is considered "custodial" and is therefore not covered. And that "custodial" determination can come as early as Day #2. Don't think "Medicare supplement" will cover after that 100 days. They don't. They pay as long as Medicare is paying. And if it's Federal Blue Cross, they only pay 9 days. Day 21-30.
9) When to say "when". Talk to your dad now about when he thinks he might need nursing home care. When he becomes incontinent? If he can't feed himself? Outline exactly what you both think would be the time to look for more care than you can provide in your basement apartment.
10) Communications. Have regularly scheduled meetings to discuss the progress of the living arrangement. At these meetings, discuss concerns. Like "Dad, I noticed you're smoking in your bedroom. That scares me. Can you please agree to only smoke when you're sitting up out of bed?" Open a dialog for his complaints as well. Talk and talk often. But definitely set aside a specific time to do a "lifestyle check up."
I'm telling you what I see with my 20/20 hindsight. Good luck.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment