Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

Today is Sunday. I've decided to take my mom out of the nursing home on Sundays. We're going to cook her favorites. Today we cooked Chicken Paprikash. It's a family tradition. A classic really. Mom loved it.

Mom goes through emotional cycles. She's settled in to the fact that I don't work there any more. But she seems to have a need to keep herself stirred up. This afternoon I listened to her as she just whipped herself into a real dither. Actually she went from dither to dither. I'd dispel one set of fears, and she'd conjure up another.

The hardest thing for me is to just listen. I keep trying to set the record straight. I keep trying to "once and for all" declare what is true, what did happen, what didn't happen. It's a waste of energy, Mom's truth is like a chameleon, ever changing, ever evolving, ever conforming to whatever image she wants to project today.

When given a choice, Mom will choose the most painful of conclusions. It's as though peace and tranquility are her sworn enemies. Mom said that the hardest part of her existence is the fact that she can't dream anymore. "There's nothing I can accomplish. I don't have the funds, the energy or the ability to accomplish anything anymore." That's a sad place to be. But the truth is, that's how it has always been.

Mom's an idea person. She has GREAT ideas, grandiose plans, intricate possibilities. However, most of the time, her ideas are implemented by someone else. I can't tell you how many dinner parties and events that would have gone unaccomplished if my dad, my siblings or myself had not stepped in to finish what Mom had started.

A few months ago Mom read about an organization that was sending "Cookies to the Troops." She jumped on that big time. She came to me and said, "I want.... and I'll need... and I want you to...." I stopped her and said, "Absolutely not. I want no part of this, you'll have to do this through the activities director." Everyone thought I was a big meanie for not jumping on the Cookies for the Troops bandwagon.

I'm tired of the bandwagons. I've got my own goals and responsibilities. As it turns out, the Cookies for the Troops was a disaster. Mom wasn't physically able to bake the cookies. None of the residents are, really. So the poor activities director was left to bake, wrap and ship the cookies on her own. Mom declared it a big failure and proceeded to beat herself up for it.

I wish my mom could accept her limitations. I wish she could enjoy life and stop creating situations that will end up causing her disappointment. I wish she would choose assumptions that would bring her peace. Today she said, "Now that you're not working at the nursing home, do you think they'll start neglecting me?" Mom, you thought they were neglecting you when I worked there!!!! Ah well. I can't let myself get sucked into the vortex of need and denial.

At the end of the day, I'm exhausted. She's probably exhausted too.