Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

Well, today is Thanksgiving. We took Mom to Mike's family dinner. She seemed to have a good time. I was surprised to learn that while I was parking her wheel chair in my office (after getting her settled into the car), she told Mike that she was ready to die. She turned the conversation into a little sermon about going to Heaven and knowing how to get there. My mom, the eternal Baptist!

My mom and I are alike in so many ways. We have similar senses of humor. We share the same taste in clothing style. We like a lot of the same foods, and tend to swing a bit right of right when it comes to politics. (Vote for Fred Thompson, Vote for Fred Thompson)

What sets us apart from each other is the choices we make. Isn't that what makes us all different?

Several years ago I read a life changing book called "The Four Agreements: Four Steps to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz. In a nutshell, the four agreements are:

1) Be impeccable with your word. (Don't lie or make promises that you know you can't keep.)

2) Don't take things personally. (It's rarely "about you", when people slight you or offend you-- it's about THEM and their problems.)

3) Don't make assumptions. (Operate off of what you absolutely know to be true, NOT what you assume to be true. Ask questions, get the facts, then formulate your response to the situation. I'll elaborate more later)

4) Always do and give your very best. (Your best will vary from day to day--depending upon your health or situation.)

Don't make assumptions. Once I began to implement this "agreement" into my every day thinking, I was totally set free.

My mom assumes the worst in almost every given situation. She seems to prefer to take offense rather than see that there may be another truth at play.

Assumptions aren't facts. They aren't forced upon us. Assumptions are choices we make. In every situation, we have a choice about how we'll assume the unknowns. I'm always saying this to my mom (and my kids). "Don't make assumptions. But if you just can't help yourself and you MUST assume, for GODS SAKE, choose an assumption that won't piss you off!!!"

My mom will come flying to my office with one complaint or another, backed up by what she assumes to be true. It's almost never positive, and rarely the true situation at hand.

Case in point: One day a man asked Mom to do some mending for him. He put them in a plastic bag and left them with her. Later that day, an aide found the bag of his clothes and put them back in his room. That was the day that we moved 40 residents from the second floor of the building to the first floor. Lock. Stock. And barrel. All 40 of them.

Mom stormed down to the business office. Her story was "They thought I STOLE Tom's clothes, so they TOOK THEM OUT OF MY ROOM and put them back in HIS room!!!!"

I said to my mother: Ok Mom, here's what we know to be true. Tom gave his clothes to you to mend. You did not steal them. The aide cleaned your room, found his clothes and returned them to him.

Now lets look at our choice of assumptions here:

1) You're a thief and the stolen property must be returned to its rightful owner. (Was this said to you, Mom? No.)

2) At the end of the day, the aides were making a final check to be sure that everyone's belongings had been properly moved from the old location to the new. When they found his clothes in your room, they thought a mistake had been made in the moving process. No one thought you stole his stuff at all. They just thought they'd been misplaced.

Now which assumption would give you less stress? Which assumption would make you sleep better tonight?

An aside here, I always observe the assumptions and accusations of the people around me. They are a window into their souls, an indicator of what they themselves are capable of, a reflection of the state of their internal workings.

Everything is a choice. And at the end of the day, what we chose will determine our level of comfort and peace. I would LOVE to see Mom make choices that would put her mind at ease, but sadly, I see her choose "victim" almost every time.