Who Cares What Nansi Thinks?

The holidays are so stressful. I am SO sure that God didn't send his Son to Earth so that 2000 years down the road, people would be beating the crap out of each other in the malls for the latest widget. But here we are.... heading in to the holidays, doing just that.

I've noticed that depression is becoming pretty rampant in the nursing home. More and more residents have that thousand mile stare. It starts with Thanksgiving. About 30% of our residents have nowhere to go and no one to come see them. Sadly, there is only so much we, the employees, can do to cheer them up. We try, but we're not family. Sometimes I think it would be better if we could rip the calenders off the wall and pretend that it's just any old day.

Most of you who check my blog regularly are in the same situation as I am in. You're trying to live a life with ten different situations demanding your best. So to ask you to adopt a nursing home resident would be an impossible request.

Funny. About two years ago, long before I ever imagined that I'd be where I am today, I wrote an email to a friend. I said, "You know, I'm feeling really drawn to adopt an elderly person in a nursing home. Someone who doesn't get visitors. But I don't feel right doing that while my mom's still living." The reason I didn't feel right was because I wasn't interested in being there for my own mother. It wasn't because I didn't love her, or that she didn't need me. It was because intimacy with my mother is so very hard for me.

As the holidays approach the dilemma we care givers struggle with is trying to meet our (self imposed) obligations and eek out an enjoyable experience in the end. I think there are a few ways we can make it through the next few weeks with our sanity in tact for the New Year's Eve party.

First, dial it back. Don't make huge holiday plans that will be difficult to implement. Enlist the help of those around you. The very nature of the caregiver is to act as though we are the only people capable of accomplishing the goal. (That's how we got into this mess!) Delegate. Do a potluck instead of a seven course meal you have to prepare for yourself!

Reminisce. Talk about days gone by, especially with your elderly loved one. Remember the past fondly with them. Tell your children about your own memories and encourage them to share theirs.

Escape. Find a way to sequester yourself without a task or goal--unless your goal is to relax. It is so important to emotionally/spiritually refuel. I belong to a remarkable on-line group of adults who have taken on the responsibility of their parents' welfare. All of them are struggling and overwhelmed. There doesn't seem to be a free moment. It is so important to spend some time on yourself.

The other night, I about broke my back setting up a place to spend time alone. I needed to move some furniture, but I set up a corner in my bedroom where I can have a chair and footstool, my laptop, a lamp and a stack of books. I've made a commitment to myself to spend at least a half hour a day up in that chair. Today is the third day. I can already feel the difference.

What do you give an elderly person? That is such a hard one. People who live in nursing homes and assisted living centers have so little space. It's important that you don't send them home with more stuff than they have room to accommodate. I asked around the nursing home and came up with ten items that our residents would LOVE to receive and would create a storage issue.

1. Large print anything. Be it books, a subscription to a large print Reader's Digest, magazines, puzzles or newspapers.

2. Stationary and stamps.

3. Nice smelling lotions.

4. If they live in a facility, a home cooked meal is a favorite. You can arrange with the nurses to bring the meal in and have them warm it up. (Be sure to check for diet restrictions.)

5. Easy to wear clothing. Buttons and buttonholes are a challenge. Velcro is a gift from the gods! Some suggestions would be pull over tops, pants with elastic waists, cardigan sweaters. Make sure the pants are a little on the too-short side, pant legs tend to get caught in shoes, walkers and wheelchairs.

6. Pictures. One idea might be to make a calendar with a family picture for each month. Staples and Office Max offer printing and binding services. Here is a link to a how-to site for making your own: http://desktoppub.about.com/cs/calendars/a/calendarideas.htm

7. Books on tape or CD.

8. Home baked goodies. (Check for diet restrictions first.)

9. Books with short subjects such as an anthology of short stories, poetry, or word games. Sometimes they would like to read for just a short period, a book of essays or short stories is just the ticket!

10. A blast from THEIR pasts. A Glenn Miller CD or a book that was popular in their hay days would be great. Borders often has small books with a particular year or decade that have all the events and trends of that era.

Probably the best gift you can give everyone in your life is a "less frazzled you". Here's hoping I follow my own advice! :o)